Candy
by nakarisaune
Summary: If Light makes L fall in love with him, maybe he'll convince him he's not Kira. LxLight.
1. strawberry bootlaces

Light knew how people acted when they were in love. When people were in love, they trusted each other, they believed each other, they would do anything for each other.

And they did not accuse each other of being mass murderers.

Most people - the boring people - would react to love like that, he was sure. People tended to be predictable and boring. But L was not boring. Light wondered how he would react to being in love. It would be an interesting little experiment, even if it did not stop L from suspecting him. It might even be fun. Light smiled and absentmindedly wrote another name. He didn't even realize it was doing it. His hand was just so used to the movement, and his mind was just so eager to kill.

...

L was so pretty. Light wasn't quite sure what it was. The thick black marks beneath his eyes, etched by years of sleep deprivation? The eyes themselves, glassy and dark and easy to catch staring? Those long, pale, bony fingers? All of those things were ugly; the whole is more than the sum of its parts. He was so pretty, and yet so strange. Light treasured every glance; tucked them into his mind where he knew he could find them later, when he would need them.

...

Light leaned back and rubbed his head against the bed. There was quite a persistent itch at his crown (he loved the fact it was called that) and he couldn't exactly get rid of it with his fingers, seeing as he was firmly handcuffed.  
Ryuk cartwheeled past him in an apple-starved state of uncontrollable convulsion. This had been going on for days now and Light no longer found it amusing. Even if he had, laughing would be extremely suspicious.  
"L?" he said to the ground. If L was there, he might be able to distract himself from the crushing boredom with a conversation.  
And of course L was there. He always was. Light could picture him, crouching there on those pretty feet, his wide eyes darting from screen to screen to screen. "Light-kun," he replied, in that awful mangled voice that sounded like some kind of glitch. "What is it? Do you require anything?"  
Light sighed and looked up at where he assumed the camera to be. There were probably multiple cameras, actually, but this was the most likely position. "I am lonely."  
A computerized, quiet laugh hummed through the speakers. Definitely not sincere. "What do you expect me to do, Light-kun?"  
"Please visit me."  
"...I cannot risk an attack."  
"I'm handcuffed and unarmed!"  
"Kira does not need to be armed to kill."  
"That would be a problem," Light sighed and slumped against the bed, "if I were Kira."  
"You are Kira. The killings stopped as soon as you were imprisoned."  
Ryuk started to contort on the bed. It was rather distracting. "Okay... You don't have to come."  
"Is there anything else you would like, Light-kun?"  
He paused. "Can I hear your voice? Please?"  
There was the sound of knocks and clicks and bumps, and then L's voice, his wonderously smooth voice, was back. "Is this better, Light-kun?"  
Light couldn't stop himself from smiling. "Yes. Much better. Thank you, Ryuzaki-kun."  
"Much better? Hmm. Does Light-kun enjoy my voice?" There was a hint of a smile in the words, and Light grinned back. If it was a genuine smile that he could hear, perhaps his plan was already starting to work.  
"Your voice is like music," he assured the detective. No reply came, and Light pretended he didn't miss the sound.

...

After a few hours of sleep, Light awoke. It was always hard for him to sleep with the handcuffs on. There were two options: lie on his front and cut off his breathing, or lie on his back and have the cuffs cut into his spine. Most nights he chose to cut into his spine. The bruise would probably look interesting.  
When he sat up, he noticed that at the door, along with his breakfast (or, rather, daily few slices of bread) was a bowl of sugar cubes. After eating the bread, he let the sugar dissolve in his mouth. It tasted like how he imagined L would taste. He attempted to be as dignified as possible, but that was hard when he was shoving his face into a bowl and hoping he could grab some sugar in his teeth.

But he made sure he looked dignified when he stared straight at the camera and smiled.

...

The next day (or more accurately, period of wakefulness: there was no way to measure time here) when Light woke up, he rolled onto his side and was greeted by wide, glassy eyes. It took him a moment to figure out what was going on, and during that moment a sugar cube was pressed to his lips.  
"L?" he began, but was cut off by the sugar cube being pushed in. He swallowed it as fast as he could, then cleared his throat.  
L was crouched on the floor, balanced on the balls of his feet like usual, with a bowl of assorted candies held between his knees and chest. His dark eyes were focused on Light, and Light smiled at him. Being friendly would keep suspicion low.  
"What are you doing here, Ryuzaki-kun?" he whispered.  
L glanced from side to side. "You seemed to be having trouble eating yesterday," he said in his usual emotionless monotone. "I thought Light-kun might appreciate a visit from me."  
"Why are you giving me candies?" he wondered.  
L shrugged, and Light watched the thick white material settle over what must be a terribly malnourished body. "Would you prefer a strawberry bootlace or a caramel?"  
"Uh... Strawberry bootlace?"  
L looked into the bowl, then looked up at Light. "Light-kun," he said gently, "could you please sit up on the edge of the bed? I wish to sit with you."  
Light obediently shuffled into position, his movements made awkward by the handcuffs. Once there was space, L hopped up onto the bed and perched on the edge next to Light. He extracted a strawberry bootlace from the candy bowl and dangled it over Light's waiting mouth. He ate it gratefully, and then smiled at L. "Thank you," he said quietly.  
L stared at him with that childlike, curious gaze, then nodded. "Would you like me to remove your handcuffs?"  
Light considered the possibilities. If he said yes, L would suspect that Kira just wanted to get free. If he said no, L might suspect he was being deliberately submissive in order to draw suspicion away from him. "Okay." Surely anybody would say okay, Kira or not. The cuffs fell away, and Light beamed. "Thank you so much, L-sama."

"Would Light-kun like another strawberry bootlace?"  
"Yes."  
L did not offer Light the candy bowl. Instead, he plucked out a strawberry bootlace and pressed it against Light's mouth.  
As Light chewed, his arm snaked around L's waist. It was a movement carefully calculated to seem innocent and friendly, and it totally was innocent and friendly. Light had no ulterior motive. He just wanted L to love him so he would be easier to defeat, which might count as an ulterior motive if he was being pedantic. He brought his hand to a rest on the curve of L's hip.

L suddenly got up, tugging at his shirt. The candy bowl spilt all over the floor. "Enough, Light-kun!" he announced, and promptly left.

...

Later on, three guards arrived and put the handcuffs back on. Light smiled at the camera and licked sugar from his lips.


	2. sugar cubes

Sometimes Light would wake to the sound of metal clinking against metal, and he'd open his eyes to find a bowl of candy sitting on his pillow. L didn't seem to notice that he'd woken up - he was always absorbed in his laptop screen - but sometimes Light swore he could see him smile. Especially when Light got into the habit of trying to balance sugar cubes on L's head to see how long it took them to fall off.

They didn't fall off often. L had exceptional balance.

...

Sometimes L would wake to the feeling of fingers running through his hair. It was rather inconvenient. He did not sleep often, and now whenever he did, Light would wake him up. Perhaps it was because L slept in the same position he sat in, and so it was hard to tell if he should not be disturbed. Perhaps it was because Light liked his hair. Or perhaps this was revenge for the whole handcuffs thing. Yes, it must be that. Light could be very annoying at times, and L was sure it was out of a desire to see L angry. Light just wanted to break L's emotionless mask. Well, that was not going to be happening, and L took care to ensure he never let himself smile at Light's antics.

But sometimes he couldn't help his mouth twitching into a smile when yet another sugar cube was placed on his head.

"Light-kun, why are you doing that?" he asked one time.

Light did not answer, and when L spun on his toes to see him, he found that Light was under the covers pretending to be asleep. He watched the rise and fall of his chest for a little while - just to make sure he was alive - and then got right back to work, sucking on the sugar cube that had been placed on his head.

...

Some days, as they worked, Light would steal some of L's candies, and L would give him that wide-eyed, reproachful gaze that Light adored. He also adored the candies - Watari was a good cook. Light could not blame L for trying to eat as many as possible.

But sometimes, L would try to keep them all to himself.

"Hey, let me have a sugar cube, Ryuzaki-kun," Light whined, his hands on L's shoulders, leaning over the chair. His nose was in L's hair. The smell was enjoyable.

L was all curled up around the bowl, taking the cubes like they were drugs. It was almost hypnotising to watch. "Wanting what you cannot have is a childish trait."

"Yeah, but I can have them. If you'd let me."

"Kira-kun has many childish traits."

Light sighed. The playfulness washed out of him, leaving him cold and frustrated. "L, I was just asking for a sugar cube. You don't have to make everything about Kira." He stepped back and inhaled the fresh air, flushing out L's scent. The chain became taut far too soon. Light wanted to be miles away from L, but that damned chain...

L spun around in his chair and stared at Light with those eyes. Those dark eyes that sucked him in and held him there. Those hollow eyes that held an emotion Light couldn't even begin to interpret. Slowly, he extended the bowl of sugar cubes towards Light.

...

They were lying on the bed together, staring up at the off-white expanse of the ceiling. It had been a long, tiring day, and Light didn't think he'd ever seen L lay on his back before. Usually he was all tense, curled in on himself, holding himself up on his toes, coiled up and ready to spring. He was flat out now. Totally open. Maybe he was even smiling.

Light reached out for the bowl between them, but instead of finding a sugar cube, he found the warmth of L's hand. He looked over at L and found he had been correct - he was smiling. Would he smile even more if Light gently squeezed his hand, if their fingers laced together?

His hand only lingered there a moment before L snatched his hand away and snapped back into his usual position facing away from Light. It had happened so fast Light hadn't been able to see if he had been smiling. He hoped he had, but he knew he hadn't.

...

In the middle of the night Light woke up, looked around the moonlit room, and shivered. He nestled up to the nearest warm object and nuzzled his head into the hair of the nearest warm object, then fell back into hazy dreams.

The nearest warm object was awake, and smiled.

...

"Light-kun, you behave oddly at night."

"I do?"

"You were trying to hug me in your sleep."

"Oh."

"Why are you blushing?"

"Uh, nothing. Let's get back on the case. There... might be something new about Yotsuba, maybe?"

"Okay. Have as many sugar cubes as you want, Light-kun."

...

The chain was stretched tight - Light was lying on the bed and L was standing motionless by the door. He'd been standing there for quite a while and Light couldn't figure out why, but it was rather distracting when he was trying to sleep.

"L?" he whispered, but L did not respond.

"L?" he said louder, and L turned to face him, his eyelids flickering.

He seemed somewhat confused by Light's presence. "Light-kun. Hello. I was thinking."

"You should sleep, L."

"I don't need to sleep," he said, and rubbed the dark circles under his eyes as if they would prove he was invulnerable to tiredness. "I just need to think. I can solve this case if I just think more."

Light gave the chain a sharp tug, sending L flying onto the bed. He bounced slightly, and while he was bouncing Light took his chance and dragged him up the bed so they were laying face to face. He wrapped his arms around L's thin frame and played with his hair, and L buried his face in Light's chest, and Light hoped he was smiling. He imagined what L's smile would be like as he fell asleep, and he dreamed of L's smile, and he woke up the next morning with a variety of L-smiles embedded in his eyelids.

...

"Light-kun, would you like the last sugar cube?"

Light looked up. "How about we share?"

"How exactly do you suggest we share?"

"I'll hold it in my mouth and you bite your half off."

L stared at him with those pretty eyes and scratched the back of his neck. "Seems worth a try."

They tried it, and it worked. Their lips only made contact briefly, but the taste of L lingered in Light's mouth far longer than the sugar.


	3. jellybeans

"L, want to share the last marshmallow?"

"No. You can have it."

"Don't you want half?"

"It is yours, Light-kun."

...

"Hey, L, want half of this cookie?"

"No thank you, Light-kun."

"It's not your average cookie. It's got jellybeans baked into it."

L turned around, saw that Light was holding the cookie in his mouth, and turned back around. "I hope you enjoy it."

...

Light was hypnotized by L's lips. They looked so soft and smooth and pale, just like L himself, and sometimes his tongue would come darting out all pink and tender, and Light wondered what candy L's mouth would taste of if he had the courage to just kiss him.

He did not have that courage: he resorted, like a schoolgirl, to longing stares and secret smiles, and to trying to share sweets in the hope of their lips touching for a millisecond. Sayu would be ashamed.

...

"L, there's only one jellybean left."

"You can have it."

"Don't you want to share?"

"No."

Light's fingernails dug into his palms. "I am trying to kiss you."

"Then ask to kiss me instead of playing mind games with jellybeans."

Light rolled his eyes. He definitely wasn't the one playing mind games while L was the one who alternated between stroking his hair at night and accusing him of mass murder. "Can I kiss you?"

"No."

"Oh."

...

Misa kissed him sometimes: her breath tasted like mints and freshness but her skin reeked of perfume and sweat. Her lips were too plump and her eyes were too narrow and her posture was too straight. Her dresses were dresses, not a white shirt and jeans, and she didn't go barefoot.

In her adverts, she was portrayed as some kind of modern Aphrodite, but someone else was far worthier of that title. One time, Light had caught L imitating Misa's attempts to be seductive. Light had been successfully seduced.

...

L never let himself relax any more. After that time he had laid flat on the bed, he was tenser than ever. He wound himself up over the case like some clockwork toy and then worked in a frenzied daze, fueling himself with sugar. Even when stretched to its limits, the chain was nowhere near as taut as L's muscles. Even when he was sitting still he was twitching, perched like a bird about to take flight. Some days he'd sit there for hours seeming ready for something that never came, but some days he'd work himself into a panic and drag Light around with him all day until he was worn out. When he was out of energy, he would jam his mouth full of sweets, and then he'd be at it again. Light was worried about him.

...

"L, you need to sleep."

L had been pacing around the bed for at least three hours now, and the moon had risen high in the Tokyo sky. Light had tried to sleep, but his wrist was being yanked around and the clanking of metal was rather distracting, and so he had resigned himself to watching L walk.

It was not a terrible fate. L's silhouette, outlined by moonlight, was a pleasant sight. Light was sure that L in bed would be a much more pleasant sight. A healthy, happy L would be perfect, but Light did not want to expect too much and then have reality let him down.

"L, it's one in the morning, you need to sleep."

L shook his head. "I need jellybeans."

"You're on a sugar high already. You don't need any more."

"You don't know what I need. I need to find Kira."

"If I were Kira I'd poison your candy." L had stopped pacing - Light realised far too late that it had been a rather tactless thing to say, and he fumbled for words that would erase his mistake. "But I'm not Kira, so you don't have to worry."

...

"L, you haven't eaten any of these marshmallows. Are you okay?"

"I am okay, Light-kun."

...

"Don't you want to sleep, L?"

"No."

...

"Want any of this cake?"

"No thank you, Light-kun."

...

"L, you haven't eaten and you haven't slept for three days now."

L shivered in the corner, wearing only a thin white shirt and his jeans. It was a cold night, and L wasn't exactly fat enough to insulate himself. As Light approached, his shivering intensified. By the time Light was kneeling beside him L was practically an earthquake. "Calm down," Light whispered as he draped a blanket over L's shoulders. "It's only me, you're safe."

He trailed his fingers through his midnight black hair, and to his surprise L leaned into him and buried his face into Light's chest. Light was happy to hold him close and rub his back and curl his wild hair around his fingers, and when L had calmed down a little, Light brought him a little bowl of jellybeans, which were immediately snatched. L jammed them down his throat one by one until the bowl was empty, and when the bowl was empty Light picked him up and cradled in his arms. He was surprisingly light, which was a relief. Light laid him on the bed very gently and knelt by his side and murmured reassurances to him until his eyelids slid down over his hollow pupils.

Once he was asleep, Light curled up around him, buried his nose in his hair, and joined him in dreaming.

...

In the night their limbs tangled together, and when they woke up it was quite a struggle to free themselves - the handcuffs complicated things.

"L, are you okay?" was the first thing Light said, and L nodded in reply. "I was so worried about you last night."

"I cannot imagine why," he said in his usual flat tone. "I do not need your concern."

"You seemed to enjoy it..."

"I did not require your assistance. You are far too affectionate and it makes me somewhat uncomfortable." L said all this in his usual monotone while staring out the window at the rising sun.

Light focused on a crack in the ceiling and bit his lip to keep himself from saying anything embarrassing.

...

"I think I'm falling in love with you," Light said absentmindedly one night when he couldn't care less who heard him. He was sprawled out on the bed, right at the edge of consciousness, and L was perched on the edge of the bed.

"How pleasant that must be," he said flatly.

"I'm sorry, I lied."

"I have come to expect that."

"I meant to say that I am quite definitely falling in love with you."

L did not respond for a long while. The silence became as taut as the chains and soon broke. "I am sure Misa would reciprocate if your affection was directed towards her. Unfortunately for you I am not Misa."

Light felt like he had been kicked in the gut.

...

It got worse. They would be at work and L would brush his fingertips over Light's hand but pretend he didn't know he was doing it. At night L would breathe sugar over Light's mouth, and then Light would have to force away the thoughts of kissing. Sometimes L would yank the chain and Light would fly into him and their bodies would be so close but everything else was so far. Light thought he might go mad if this continued.

"I am going to go up to the rooftop," L announced.

"Do I have to come with you?"

"Of course." He tapped the handcuffs.

Light allowed himself to be dragged up, just like he allowed himself to hope for a kiss, for a confession of love, for even just a touch. Tokyo stretched out below them, dotted with so many lights it was like the stars had fallen. Above them, the inky sky was thick with indigo clouds, and the city was thick with milions of people, and they were just two figures on top of a building, almost alone in the wind and the darkness.

L reached out and took Light's hand. "A beautiful view, isn't it?"

Light could see the lights of the city reflected like diamonds in L's glassy eyes: he nodded. "Can I kiss you?"

"No."

"That's okay."

They stood at the edge of their little patch of the world and observed the intricate, star-studded mechanisms of the city until sunrise dyed the sky marshmallow pink.


	4. marshmallows

Some days Light would wake up and he would find L still asleep. These days were incredibly rare and Light treasured them. He took the details and engraved them into his mind so he could never forget just how peaceful L looked when he was truly oblivious to the world. His skin seemed less pallid, he seemed somewhat relaxed, and even the dark circles beneath his eyes appeared to fade. Sometimes there was even the trace of a smile.

Most of the time, though, Light was the one watched in his sleep. He didn't mind.

...

"So, Misa. Was Higuchi a good date?" Light asked it as a joke, but Misa took it as some kind of insult.

"Nothing as good as you," she growled.

L stood still, nodded, then went back to the important job of walking in tight circles around a couch while chewing on so many marshmallows his cheeks bulged out. "Misa is correct."

"How would you know?" Misa immediately yowled, like a cat whose fur had been stroked the wrong way.

L stared into Light's eyes with a hint of a smile showing on his face. "I observe."

"That's okay then. Anyway, Higuchi wants to be Misa-Misa's husband. Kira himself! I'm so excited!"

"Yeah, but you aren't actually going to marry him," Light pointed out, and the poor girl almost looked crestfallen. "We're going to stick him somewhere he'll never get out. You need to remember that he's Kira, and that Kira is evil -"

Misa hopped to her feet and flounced out, calling out over her shoulder, "You think I'm so dumb but I'm not!" As the door slammed, Light looked up at L and grinned.

"She is pretty dumb."

"But is she?" L didn't seem to be concentrating on his words, or on the way he flopped into Light's lap, but Light was quite definitely concentrating on the warmth of his skin and the softness of his hair and trying to burn every detail of this into his memory. "She managed to find out who Kira was, with a strange lack of effort on her part. She may not be as dumb as she seems - she might be hiding the intelligence of the second Kira."

"You know, L, you'd make a lot more friends if you didn't immediately suspect everyone."

"Friends are unnecessary."

"Can I kiss you?"

"No." But L remained lying in his lap until Light gently reminded him they had to get back to work.

...

"L - um, I mean, Ryuzaki - sorry, I keep forgetting -"

"Don't worry about calling me that. I prefer L."

"Me too. It seems more natural. Can we go up to the roof later?"

"Are you going to try and push me off?"

"What? No. Why are you always so suspicious?"

"What do you want to do up there?"

"Talk to you, admire the view... Mostly the second one."

"I am happy to hear that. We will go up five minutes before sunset. I will bring marshmallows."

...

They were sitting together on the roof, watching as the sun sank below the horizon and as night spilt across the sky. It had the potential to be an excellent romantic scene, but romance requires two or more willing participants. One of the potential participants was unwilling, and so no romance would be possible. Thankfully the view was stunning enough to take Light's mind off the situation, at least until dusk fell and the lull in conversation became uncomfortable instead of peaceful.

"Can I kiss you?" Light asked quietly, expecting the usual cold 'no'.

"Yes," L said.

Light turned quickly and blinked at him, his head tilted to the side. "What did you say?"

"I said yes. You can kiss me if you want."

Light chewed on a marshmallow and looked down at the city spread out beneath them. He listened to L's breathing and to the wind and to the lives carrying obliviously on and he propped his head up on his hands to lock his eyes onto the blurred line of the horizon. "You don't have to say yes, you know. I don't want to pressure you into anything."

"If you were pressuring me into this, you would already be down there." L pointed at the leaden line of the road below.

"Are you sure you're totally comfortable with all this?"

L nodded, but Light thought he could see hesitation, so he didn't kiss him.

"I don't want to rush us into anything."

"I understand."

"I don't want to be handcuffed to you and forced to sleep in the same bed with you, I want to be in the same bed as you by choice. I don't want to be nothing but a suspect to you and I don't want to be constantly poked and prodded and investigated. I do want to be with you, I just don't - I just..." He paused, shaking his head, trying to conjure up the right words for what he felt. The right words did not come.

L carried on the sentence for him, in a more amused tone of voice than usual. "You want us to live in a pretty little cottage in England with roses over the door? We can have two kids and get married and live happily ever, right?" He sighed deeply and stood up. "Sometimes you are so childlike, Light-kun."

Light rubbed his eyes - he knew what was coming next. "Don't."

"It is one of the many traits you share with Kira."

"Don't say that."

"Why not?"

"I'm not Kira."

"Not anymore."

"Why do you keep going on about the Kira thing?"

L started walking away, pulling on the chain so Light was forced to get to his feet and follow him. "You seem to have forgotten that Kira is the reason for this whole investigation. You have grown far too comfortable with me."

...

"L, how many marshmallows have you got in your cheeks? You look like a hamster."

L swallowed. "About ten."

"Ten? That's pathetic. I bet I could do way more."

"Then let us duel."

L won, of course: sixteen marshmallows to a mere nine. Light was mildly annoyed by losing, but not enough to further raise L's suspicions.

...

It flooded through his head and left him with nothing to do but scream. He'd killed all those people and every one of those people was dead because of him. He had killed them. It was all his fault. Faces and names flashed in front of his eyes, and all of those people were dead, and he'd stolen their names and their faces and paid the owners back with death; he was a murderer, he was Kira, he was a monster, he was disgusting and he shouldn't be allowed to live any longer.

No, no, the dead were the monsters who should not be allowed to live any longer: they had killed and raped and stolen and burnt, and he was Justice; they were dead because of him, but that was only because they deserved it, it wasn't really his fault, it was their fault; if they hadn't wanted to die they shouldn't have committed a crime. He wasn't the monster. They were the monsters, and they had deserved death, and he had kindly given it to them. Light was Justice: Light was Kira.

L leaned forwards, his eyes widened even more than usual. "A-are you alright?" So he cared. All of the plan had worked. He had won. "Anyone would be scared after seeing a monster like that."

Light assumed the monster L meant was Kira. He grinned.


	5. panda crackers

"Rem, I'm sure you know what will happen if L finds out Misa is the second Kira."

Light wasn't sure if she was looking at him or not. The slits of her eyes were fixed on him, but the Shinigami seemed to have no choice but to look forwards, so perhaps she was gazing at the ceiling, or perhaps she was buried inside her mind thinking of Misa. She stood there as still a rock and her skin as grey as one, her feline eye unblinking, immobile and hard and lasting. And soon, he knew, he would turn her into dust. She showed no sign of even having heard him, but Light knew that as soon as he had mentioned Misa, she would have paid all the attention she had. _Poor little puppet_.

"You know the right thing to do, I'm sure," he said with a smile.

...

"L?"

L looked up from the other end of the corridor Light had been following him through. "Light-kun? What are you doing here?"

"I was lonely. I miss us being together."

He looked like he was going to laugh, and Light hoped he would. He didn't think he'd ever seen L laugh. "You've been off the chain for a few hours and you already want to get back on?"

Light did his best to look like he was being genuine about wanting to be with him. He played the awkward teenager as well as he could - looking down, tugging at the hem of his shirt, biting his lip. "Yes."

"So you were serious about the whole romance thing."

"Yes."

"I hope you are aware that it's a terrible idea."

"Yes."

"It could work, though. Congratulations on figuring that out."

Light tilted his head in something that pretended to be surprise but really, really wasn't. "You don't mind?"

"Actually, it feeds my ego."

"I can't tell if you're being sarcastic or not."

L grinned, and Light wanted to smash his face in for being so ignorant of how Kira could heal the world and for believing he could catch a god. "I am in fact being genuine. I'm sorry; I'm not as good at expressing myself as most people. The feeling is mutual."

The trap was almost about to spring into action. This annoying little creature was going to die and it would be Light's honour. He might as well amuse Light with his last hours. "I've always loved you," he lied, "ever since I first saw you; and I don't want us to be stuck like this forever. In your eyes, will I always be Kira?"

"Depends on when I can finally prove to myself you aren't."

"I love you." Light stepped closer to him, and L shrank back against the wall. How pathetic. Light was going to enjoy his death so much when it finally came.

"I love you too," L replied, in his usual bored way.

"Good." He didn't bother asking this time - he leaned in, tipped up L's chin, ran his hands through his thick mane of hair, and was about to press their lips together when L kicked him in the gut. He had not been prepared for this. He staggered back, expecting L to try and catch him. He didn't even try - he just stood there, emotionless, his face totally straight.

As Light landed, L sighed. "When did Kira come back? I think the real Light would have asked. I would have said yes, if he had asked. Maybe I would have even kissed him. Maybe... maybe we could have even been happy together. I suppose none of that can happen now."

...

_"Tell me, Light, from the moment you were born, has there ever been a point where you've actually told the truth?"_

...

He could barely look at L anymore without wanting to throw his head back and laugh. L thought he'd got it right and he had - but he couldn't spread the truth without proof, and he wasn't going to have time to find any proof. He wasn't going to have time for anything, because he was going to die soon. So soon that Light could taste it in the air.

...

_"It's going to be lonely, isn't it?"_

...

As red light blared from the screen, almost everyone stepped back in shock - everyone but Light and L. Light refused to move in surprise: it would be undignified. L didn't move either. He was still curled up, like a bird about to take flight, a bird about to be shot down before it could even spread its wings: a bird that had already died, _really,_ and just didn't know it.

The thought that he had been in '_love'_ with this sack of rotten bones and pale skin made bile rise in his throat. God, that pathetic little _creature_ disgusted him. He was a drain on the world's resources and he was _pretty_ and _ugly_ and _disgusting_. L had thought he could defeat Kira, but _nobody_ could defeat Kira, and anyone who thought they could deserved to _die_. He glanced around at the task force. They deserved to _die,_ and they would die once Kira had his_ new world_. But L needed to be_ taken care of_ first.

Ha - they seemed to think the Shinigami was acting _on her own_! That pathetic creature was nothing but his_ puppet_ and now she was going to _crumble_ into _nothing_ and her _strings_ would_ break_ and the _puppet_ would_ fall_ and it would all be so _perfect_ and it would be his_ perfect world his perfect world his Perfect World_

L turned around and Light could see the _fear_ and the_ sadness_ and the _pain_ festering in his hollow eyes and he could_ laugh_, but laughing would give away the joke. "Everyone," he said, "the Shiniga - "

First, the spoon _fell_, and everything seemed to be in_ slow motion_ but everything seemed to be going _so fast_, and then L began to_ fall_ from the throne he'd fashioned for himself, the throne that was _Light's_. Light pounced - he caught L as he fell - it would almost be _romantic_ if it wasn't a _victory_ - the only _victory_ that mattered, that had _ever_ mattered.

L stared up at him with those empty, _empty_ eyes, and those eyes began to close. Light grinned, and he made sure that the last thing L _would ever see_ was his grin. He made sure L_ knew_ he was Kira, and he kept smiling. It was so hard not to_ laugh_. It was_ all_ going his way._ He had won -_

_- and suddenly he felt very sick and L's eyes were almost closed and time was almost out - there were so many things he had never got to say - so many things they never got to do - they had never even kissed - and now he was dying and the part of Light that had loved him was dying too and his eyes were closing and his eyes were closed._

It was over. Light put away his smug grin and got back to the very important work of creating a new world.

...

(thank you to everyone who has favourited, followed or reviewed! it really does mean a lot to me. this is going to be quite a short fic... two chapters left, i think? thank you all!)


	6. sugarfree

Sometimes Light wanted to go into L's room and curl up in the blankets they had once shared and soak in everything that had been his, and then soak all of those things with his own tears.

Sometimes he wanted to drown out the thoughts of L with pages and pages of neatly written names and hundreds and hundreds of deaths. L would have hated that but L was dead.

Sometimes he saw other people mourn - and he thought it was undignified for a god to do such a thing. So he did not mourn (at least not where his followers could see him).

...

He'd seen the body once. It had been far too pale and far too limp and it was just so _wrong_. L would never wear a black suit like the one they stuffed his corpse into. His body would never be so relaxed. They'd cut his messy hair into something horribly neat and they'd put him into his coffin with shoes on. He hadn't even been given the dignity of being laid to rest barefoot. Light had only seen his body once, and he hadn't been able to take it for more than a few moments.

But it still lingered in his head. He'd close his eyes and see L's lifeless hand falling to his side - he'd stop listening to the task force for a moment and he'd hear L's last words repeating in his head - in his sleep, he could feel the warmth of his body nestled beside him.

...

He would often go to the rooftop and crouch right at the edge. Below him was the silver line of the road (that L would kick him into if he pressured him) and the little ants of people unaware their god was watching them. He could fall. It would be so easy to stop concentrating on keeping himself up, and then he could be dead, and he could be with L.

"It's strange how much you miss me," L said from behind him.

He didn't bother turning around because he knew he would see nothing but the roof. "Stop that."

"You do miss me, don't you?"

He gritted his teeth and pressed his fingernails into his palms, which were already dotted with little red crescents. "Yes."

"You loved me."

"If you weren't a figment of my imagination I would kill you right here."

...

The world should know that L was dead. There should be a national day of mourning. The streets should be full of people wearing black and weeping for humanity's loss. Monuments should be built in his name and everyone should know who it was who had saved their lives so many times.

And he was dead, and there were only a handful of people at his funeral, and one of them was the man who had killed him.

He had deserved to die. He had opposed Kira, and those who opposed Kira needed to die. Light took a deep breath and put his thoughts in order. L was a sick little man who had resorted to stay stuck in the ideals of the past and resist the new world offered by Kira. He was a twisted, disgusting creature and he was dead, so Light didn't have to worry about his opposition anymore.

He had won.

He waited until the other members of the task force had left until he informed L about how much he had won and how much he hated him and how much better the New World was going to be without him.

...

"You don't hate me, do you?"

"Is this your ghost or something just trying to annoy me?" Light growled.

"My ghost would have better things to do. You really think I would want to devote my afterlife to you?"

"I'd devote mine to you."

"Oh."

...

On his way home Light had been hungry and he'd bought himself some candy. It had been a terrible idea. The candy was all over the bed and he couldn't even tidy it up without becoming a sobbing mess. There were marshmallows and strawberry bootlaces and jelly beans and panda crackers and sugar cubes. Every time Light saw them, his mind punished him with images of L eating them.

Except that L would never eat candy again because he was dead. Cold and dead and limp and six feet below the ground. Light had killed him and he'd held him as he died and he'd loved him and he'd never even kissed him.

"Are you depressed, Light-kun?"

He clenched his jaw and curled up a little tighter. "Is hearing your voice a usual symptom of grief?"

"I don't think so. I don't think you mind, do you?"

"What makes you think that?"

"Remember when you told me my voice sounded like music?"

Light winced and pressed his face into his hands. "I was lying to manipulate you. Like always."

"Oh? You were trying to manipulate me when - " and this was where L's voice started listing off a thousand little things Light had did because he had loved L - this was where Light covered his ears and compressed himself until he wasn't a god, he wasn't a murderer, and he didn't have to think anymore.

...

He had barely talked to the task force, including his father, since L had died. He was scared that he might let something slip and then it would all be over. Anyway, it was best not to get attached. He'd have to execute them all soon for the crime of opposing Kira, and he didn't want to be this devastated about their deaths. They deserved death and they would get it. L had deserved death too. L had not deserved Light's sadness. It was not dignified for a god to cry.

Sometimes they tried to talk to him. They'd ask him obvious questions that he didn't bother answering (do you miss L? are you okay?). They'd tell him things he could have worked out on his own (mourning won't bring him back. we have to carry on in his name). Sometimes they'd try to reassure him and that was the worst, because their words were empty. They hadn't known L like Light had known him. Nobody had. L was his, and they weren't allowed to mourn him like they had known him.

...

One day, around three weeks after the funeral, Light came home, entered his bedroom, and found that there were sweet wrappers scattered all over the floor and there was a figure crouched on the bed.

He dismissed it as his imagination playing up again.


	7. a selection of confections

The first thing Light noticed was that L looked terrible. The black semicircles below his eyes were darker and more pronounced than ever; his eyes were lifeless as coal; his hands were bony and fragile; his skin was almost grey in its sickliness. His cheeks would be gaunt if they were not currently stuffed with candy.

"Hello, Light-kun," L said through his mouthful of what appeared to be sugar cubes, so casual it was like he had never been killed.

Light stepped back, trembling already. His victory was falling apart in front of him. "You're not real."

L tipped his head to the side and swallowed before speaking. "I am not dead, no."

"Is this some kind of test, L?"

"No. Would you like me to explain?" L smiled at him, just a little, and his dark eyes lit up slightly as he chewed on his thumb. "I never died."

"I - I don't understand..." How was he alive? He didn't deserve to be alive, he should have died, why didn't this sick twisted little creature die? Had it somehow avoided Rem? No, impossible. L needed to be killed as soon as possible.

"I made a deal with Rem. I would keep Misa happy and free, and Rem would keep me alive." He shrugged. "It was simple, really. I just had to play dead. Rem sorted out a corpse to substitute for me, and now here I am. You seem happy to see me."

Light gripped the edge of his desk to try and keep himself upright. "Why are - why are you here?"

"I missed you."

...

They shared Light's bed, of course, seeing as L didn't want to leave the house in case the task force saw him. It was a small bed, but that gave Light the excuse to snuggle up to L at night and hold him like he was never going to let go. L didn't seem to mind, and often reciprocated. Every day when coming home, Light would buy bags of candy, and they'd share them in the evening as Light plotted murder. Perhaps he'd poison the candy. What type of poison would make the most entertaining death? He sighed and took more candy.

...

"I need to do something, Light."

"What, shower?"

L did not look impressed. "No. I need to do something to prove you are not Kira."

So this 'detective' still wanted to believe he wasn't Kira. And he still thought he was clever? This was not expected, but Light was good at making plans at short notice. "Okay."

"Am I correct in assuming that if you were to give ownership of the notebook to me, you would lose all memory of it?"

"Uh, I think so." Rem must have told him far too much. If Light ever saw that pathetic creature of a Shinigami again, he would kill Misa right in front of her.

"Can you do that? I promise I will return it to you." He chewed on his thumb intensely. "And I will need any fragments you may have hidden."

Light looked at him for a while and concluded L was telling the truth. He was in love with Light, and so he wouldn't lie to him. Anyway, nobody could outwit Kira, and it was worth it to convince L he was innocent. "Okay, fine." He extracted his hidden fragments of the Death Note from his watch and shirt and handed them over.

...

He became aware of a murmur in his ear, a sweet scent, the warmth of skin around him. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," the voice was saying over and over, and when Light opened his eyes he saw L looming over him.

"L," he said, and sat up to find that L was crouching next to him, "I thought you were dead, I thought Kira had killed you -" He was choking on his words and there were tears clogging up his vision. "L, I missed you - so much - " Coughing violently, he buried his head into L's shoulder and wrapped his arms around his fragile, shaking frame. The fabric of his shirt smelt of sweat and dirt and sugar, but Light didn't care because it was L. He was back and he was alive and he was breathing onto Light's neck. "Are you okay?"

"Yes, Light, I am okay. Could you please let go of me?"

Light realised he had been practically clinging to L, and was probably choking him. He let go reluctantly and shuffled away. "Sorry."

"We need to go out somewhere. Do you have any books you do not want?"

...

Less than an hour later, they were at the end of a dark alley, surrounded by bricks and the stale smell of alcohol. A blanket covered them both as they leant against the wall, nestled against each other.

In front of them, casting a flickering yellow light over their faces, a fire was consuming the books of soft porn that Light didn't even remember buying, and a strange little notebook with a black cover. The pages were curling and blackening and turning to ash as the fire crackled on. It was a rather relaxing sight. "L," he mumbled into his chest, "I love you."

L brought out a packet of marshmallows and noisily opened it. "We should not waste the fire. I brought sticks as well." He put a stick into Light's hand, and slotted marshmallows onto his own as Light stared at the stick in bemusement. "If you're not going to eat them I will, so I would hurry up."

"What am I supposed to do?"

Those wide eyes widened even more at this, and L's jaw dropped. "You've never roasted marshmallows before?"

"No."

"What a shock. Here, let me teach you how."

...

The fire had become embers and the books had become little piles of dust. The inside of Light's mouth was sticky with melted marshmallow.

"Light-kun," L asked, "why are we here?"

Light adjusted the blanket to cover him better. "You wanted us to come here, remember?"

"I remember that, but I do not remember why."

"You wanted to burn some books, I think."

"How strange of me."

"Yeah, it was pretty strange." Light leaned back and looked up into the overcast sky where the dark clouds were blocking her view of the stars. "It's a nice night, isn't it?"

"It is a little cold for my tastes."

"I didn't mean the night."

"The night was what you said, and it is indeed a little cold for me."

"I meant the time we're sharing. I love you."

"I also love you."

Light studied the gentle curves of L's face; the dark puffy bags under his eyes; the paleness of his skin glowing silver in the starlight. "Can I kiss you?"

"No."

Light turned away. It was obvious he had misinterpreted L's words and had been hoping far too much. How embarrassing. He stared down at the other end of the alley and wondered if they'd ever sleep in the same bed again now that L knew of his feelings.

"Can I kiss you?" L said, with significantly more emotion in his voice than usual.

"If you want to."

And they kissed.

...

They kissed a lot after that. They kissed when they heard the news that Kira had disappeared. They kissed when L solved his next case, and they had kissed while Light had helped him with that case. They kissed on the day L saw it fit to announce his continued life to the last remaining members of the Kira taskforce.

Sometimes Light wondered what that little black notebook had been that L had been so insistent on burning, and sometimes he had dreams of scribbling down names and scribbling down deaths. L was always there to comfort him and remind him that it was impossible to kill people by writing down their names. Over time, L smiled more, and he slept more, and the dark rings below his eyes faded, and he was healthy and happy and whole.

They didn't live in a pretty little cottage in England with roses over the door; they didn't have two children and they never got married. But they had their happy ending anyway.

...

_the end_


End file.
